I never have been into competition. I hate team sports that not just causes competition between your team and the team you are playing but also competition between your teammates. Maybe it is that I suck at team sports maybe it is because I do not want everyone to know how uncoordinated and clumsy I actually am.
Now when it comes to my classes, I have become a crazed competitive student! I love it though and it drives me to be a better designer. It is amazing to finally feel like I am going into a career where I will succeed and do well. It alleviates some of the fear that I have for a new career.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Diary
Painting is just another way of keeping a diary. ~Pablo Picasso
I have a blog to improve my writing skills. I think that it is a good idea to know how to express yourself in words in most aspects of life. I have always had a hard time telling stories, writing essays, and even speaking in correct English grammar. I still struggle with it. I do not tell people that I have a blog because I do not care if anyone reads it, it is purely for me to write down my thoughts and experiences like a diary.
Like Picasso says, Painting is just another way of keeping a diary. When I am painting or doing sculptures I am lost in the way that the tools feel in my hand. I see in big mass of rock what it really wants to become. As I knock off big chunks and sand away the small chunks and then the smaller chunks and sand until it begins to feel smooth to the touch, then you rub oil onto the piece and it shines. It becomes this refined and polished piece that is beautiful instead of seen as just a rock. Painting is a little different for me but I am working on helping the canvas become what it wants to become like a rock. I struggle with it and it is great to see the differences that I learn from each stroke that I make. I constantly learn things about the way that the paint spreads and the texture that I can add and the dimension of that space. I express myself in my works better than in writing but find myself struggling to become a better painter the same way I struggle to become a writer.
I think that when we stop learning to do everything in life better, we become stagnant and sterile. I hope that I will always feel like I have so much to learn.
I have a blog to improve my writing skills. I think that it is a good idea to know how to express yourself in words in most aspects of life. I have always had a hard time telling stories, writing essays, and even speaking in correct English grammar. I still struggle with it. I do not tell people that I have a blog because I do not care if anyone reads it, it is purely for me to write down my thoughts and experiences like a diary.
Like Picasso says, Painting is just another way of keeping a diary. When I am painting or doing sculptures I am lost in the way that the tools feel in my hand. I see in big mass of rock what it really wants to become. As I knock off big chunks and sand away the small chunks and then the smaller chunks and sand until it begins to feel smooth to the touch, then you rub oil onto the piece and it shines. It becomes this refined and polished piece that is beautiful instead of seen as just a rock. Painting is a little different for me but I am working on helping the canvas become what it wants to become like a rock. I struggle with it and it is great to see the differences that I learn from each stroke that I make. I constantly learn things about the way that the paint spreads and the texture that I can add and the dimension of that space. I express myself in my works better than in writing but find myself struggling to become a better painter the same way I struggle to become a writer.
I think that when we stop learning to do everything in life better, we become stagnant and sterile. I hope that I will always feel like I have so much to learn.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Love, Security, and Control
What delights us in visible beauty is the invisible. ~Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
This quote is quite true, I have learned from being married for four years and with my husband for eight years. After so many years of a relationship the compliments that came daily, have dwindled to far and few between. My husband has seen it all and truly knows me. Not that he thinks that what he has is not great and a perfect complement to him, it is that he has me. He knows how my body works and what to expect. He can read my mind without me having to say a word. There are no surprises even when I try to surprise him with something different, he expects it. It is the one drawback of being committed to someone who knows you so well. Of course, this does not detoured me from being completely happy with my marriage, it just makes those times that you get attention so much better.
I love it when I am out and I get hit on or checked out by people that I think are attractive. It reaffirms the fact that I still got it. Thankfully, Rith appreciates me being checked out too. We are not insecure in our relationship, we know that we are completely committed to each other; we know that if someone is hitting on him or me, nothing but the satisfaction of still being admired crosses our minds. When a woman hits on Rith I happily sit there and think “Yeah that is my husband! And he still has it! And he is completely mine…How great is that?!?”
Early Roman woman were hidden away and covered from head to toe, they were only allowed out for special events. They were possessions of the men. And thought that they were not in control of their emotions, they did not want their wives to open Pandora’s Box. To this day there are couples who are like this and they sadden me. It shows that there is no trust in their relationship and the commitment that they have for one another. It shows their insecurities and causes the spouse to feel like they have to be cautious about what they say. God forbid the other gets the wrong idea they stay guarded. It drives a wedge between them by the lack of trust and the feeling that they have to think about what the other will think. Even the most innocent exchanges between the opposite sex. It is one step away from covering them completely and only allowing them to leave when they are with each other.
This quote is quite true, I have learned from being married for four years and with my husband for eight years. After so many years of a relationship the compliments that came daily, have dwindled to far and few between. My husband has seen it all and truly knows me. Not that he thinks that what he has is not great and a perfect complement to him, it is that he has me. He knows how my body works and what to expect. He can read my mind without me having to say a word. There are no surprises even when I try to surprise him with something different, he expects it. It is the one drawback of being committed to someone who knows you so well. Of course, this does not detoured me from being completely happy with my marriage, it just makes those times that you get attention so much better.
I love it when I am out and I get hit on or checked out by people that I think are attractive. It reaffirms the fact that I still got it. Thankfully, Rith appreciates me being checked out too. We are not insecure in our relationship, we know that we are completely committed to each other; we know that if someone is hitting on him or me, nothing but the satisfaction of still being admired crosses our minds. When a woman hits on Rith I happily sit there and think “Yeah that is my husband! And he still has it! And he is completely mine…How great is that?!?”
Early Roman woman were hidden away and covered from head to toe, they were only allowed out for special events. They were possessions of the men. And thought that they were not in control of their emotions, they did not want their wives to open Pandora’s Box. To this day there are couples who are like this and they sadden me. It shows that there is no trust in their relationship and the commitment that they have for one another. It shows their insecurities and causes the spouse to feel like they have to be cautious about what they say. God forbid the other gets the wrong idea they stay guarded. It drives a wedge between them by the lack of trust and the feeling that they have to think about what the other will think. Even the most innocent exchanges between the opposite sex. It is one step away from covering them completely and only allowing them to leave when they are with each other.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Hitchcock...
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. ~Alfred Hitchcock
I love summer in Utah! I tell everyone how much I love it and I just can’t explain how great it is. Not only is it (normally) perfectly hot and everyone happy because they have Vitamin B flowing in their blood but Utah has so much happening during the summer. Outdoor concerts, people out walking their dogs and talking to neighbors, and movies in the park.
For the whole month of June, my best movie maker Alfred will be showing his classic films. I think that I have seen ever movie he has ever made and has some great memories from his movies.
The first time I saw The Birds, was when I was seven. My cousins and I were at home alone while our parents went out. We had all the lights off and sat there screaming as the birds pecked out the eyes of the farmers and attacked everything moving in site. The greatest scene of the movie is when the children are running out of the school flailing their arms trying to protect themselves from getting attacked. It was filmed in Bodega Bay. I went to college an hour and a half away. Every time I went out to the coast to surf or camp or just hang out by the ocean, I would make us stop and walk up to the school and the church on the corner. I have a picture hanging on my fridge and am happy every time I see it. Sure it is corny, and sure that most likely would never happen but just for that hour we were so happy to be as scared with something as innocent as birds and that was a great relief from the real and very possible fears in our lives.
I love summer in Utah! I tell everyone how much I love it and I just can’t explain how great it is. Not only is it (normally) perfectly hot and everyone happy because they have Vitamin B flowing in their blood but Utah has so much happening during the summer. Outdoor concerts, people out walking their dogs and talking to neighbors, and movies in the park.
For the whole month of June, my best movie maker Alfred will be showing his classic films. I think that I have seen ever movie he has ever made and has some great memories from his movies.
The first time I saw The Birds, was when I was seven. My cousins and I were at home alone while our parents went out. We had all the lights off and sat there screaming as the birds pecked out the eyes of the farmers and attacked everything moving in site. The greatest scene of the movie is when the children are running out of the school flailing their arms trying to protect themselves from getting attacked. It was filmed in Bodega Bay. I went to college an hour and a half away. Every time I went out to the coast to surf or camp or just hang out by the ocean, I would make us stop and walk up to the school and the church on the corner. I have a picture hanging on my fridge and am happy every time I see it. Sure it is corny, and sure that most likely would never happen but just for that hour we were so happy to be as scared with something as innocent as birds and that was a great relief from the real and very possible fears in our lives.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Proposition 8 Upheld?!? What were they thinking?
Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Ambrose Bierce
Today we heard that California Supreme Court agreed that Proposition 8 would be upheld.
It was a sad day. I get so angry about the injustice that people choose to support. Proposition 8 was passed back in November and was being reviewed by the California Supreme Court to decide if it would stand. Of course the narrow minded, dye in the wool religious hypocrites voted for this proposition and it was passed.
The California Supreme Court did not do its job and rule that this was unconstitutional. Instead they upheld this terribly bigoted law and once again showed the world that we do not live by the standards that we say that we live by.
I am a strong Christian and I am so embarrassed by the people who are claiming to be a Christian and be so judgmental. I am not sure if I believe that being Gay or Lesbian is a sin or not. I have done research on the subject from the Bible and have not seen anything that says that Sodom and Gomorrah was burnt because people were gay, I believe that it was due to the fact that the entire city was sexually corrupt. They were banging down a door trying to get the angels to rape them, which in no way does that prove that it was because they were gay.
I also believe that any sin is on the same level, for example; lying, killing, stealing, cheating, and coveting you neighbor’s things. We have no laws about lying and cheating. We encourage people to want things that other people have. Obviously there are laws about killing people. These things are all weighed differently in the land of people but to God a sin is a sin. Everything can be forgiven and he does not rate his sins from best sin to worst sin. He forgives anyone that will ask for the forgiveness. We as humans however do not punish people for lying the same as we punish people for killing.
The beliefs that I have as a Christian should be affecting only my decisions not the decisions of people who are not religious. We claim to have a separation between church and state and yet there is no separation. We do not live by the Constitution of the United States but allow this flawed system of voting. We vote based on few facts that we know, the skewed advertisements of supporters and opposition, and we even just make decisions on a name that we like. Many people are uninformed and emotional voters that allow other things like religion bias their vote.
There have been far too many groups of people that are treated unfairly and not given the same laws based on color of their skin, religion and sex. We are so proud that women got the vote. We cannot fathom discriminating people based on their race. We allow all people of any religious background to have freedom. And now we need to allow people who are Gay and Lesbians to have these same rights of everyone else.
Today we heard that California Supreme Court agreed that Proposition 8 would be upheld.
It was a sad day. I get so angry about the injustice that people choose to support. Proposition 8 was passed back in November and was being reviewed by the California Supreme Court to decide if it would stand. Of course the narrow minded, dye in the wool religious hypocrites voted for this proposition and it was passed.
The California Supreme Court did not do its job and rule that this was unconstitutional. Instead they upheld this terribly bigoted law and once again showed the world that we do not live by the standards that we say that we live by.
I am a strong Christian and I am so embarrassed by the people who are claiming to be a Christian and be so judgmental. I am not sure if I believe that being Gay or Lesbian is a sin or not. I have done research on the subject from the Bible and have not seen anything that says that Sodom and Gomorrah was burnt because people were gay, I believe that it was due to the fact that the entire city was sexually corrupt. They were banging down a door trying to get the angels to rape them, which in no way does that prove that it was because they were gay.
I also believe that any sin is on the same level, for example; lying, killing, stealing, cheating, and coveting you neighbor’s things. We have no laws about lying and cheating. We encourage people to want things that other people have. Obviously there are laws about killing people. These things are all weighed differently in the land of people but to God a sin is a sin. Everything can be forgiven and he does not rate his sins from best sin to worst sin. He forgives anyone that will ask for the forgiveness. We as humans however do not punish people for lying the same as we punish people for killing.
The beliefs that I have as a Christian should be affecting only my decisions not the decisions of people who are not religious. We claim to have a separation between church and state and yet there is no separation. We do not live by the Constitution of the United States but allow this flawed system of voting. We vote based on few facts that we know, the skewed advertisements of supporters and opposition, and we even just make decisions on a name that we like. Many people are uninformed and emotional voters that allow other things like religion bias their vote.
There have been far too many groups of people that are treated unfairly and not given the same laws based on color of their skin, religion and sex. We are so proud that women got the vote. We cannot fathom discriminating people based on their race. We allow all people of any religious background to have freedom. And now we need to allow people who are Gay and Lesbians to have these same rights of everyone else.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
An Inadequate Life...
Don’t be afraid of death as much as an inadequate life-Bertolt Brecht
Daily, I feel that my life is inadequate. That is such a sad thought but daily I sit in an office without windows and dream of a different life. I answer the few phone calls that ring on my phone and feel more and more tired each day that I turn my back on my dream.
What keeps me rooted where I am? Security and the fear of not succeeding in my dreams hold me in this place of boredom and selfishness.
I have had this pressing feeling for so many years that I need to do something more for people. I always try to help the people that I see that are homeless…I used to buy the crazy guy that rode between Napa and San Francisco meals and gave money out when I have it and sort cans for the food bank. But those few things are not enough. I have so many things to offer.
I think about buying fleece that I could make blankets. Winter is so cold here in Utah and there has been an increase in the people that come through the shelters. There is not enough beds for everyone and once it is full they sleep in stair wells or in their cars. Fleece is so cheap and all you would have to do is cut them into rectangles. It would be so easy and could save people lives.
I think about getting the leftover bagels from Einstein’s that they happily donate at the end of the day but if there is not someone to donate the extras to they are thrown in the trash. I know this because I worked there. Most of the time the donations go to PTA’s or some silly little event that the people that attend it enjoy but can go home to their full pantries and did not really need those extra calories. It would be something that would just take some ones time. There is no excuse for not being able to do this!
I went to this church recently in Denver that has transformed itself from this cold unfriendly church to one that is overflowing with members that have a true passion for loving people. Is that not what Jesus wanted us to do with our lives? They run the church services at the prison; they work with Rebuilding Together to help improve low income, elderly and disabled people’s homes. The church has become a outward focused congregation and have changed their own lives in the process. It is inspiring!
There are so many things that I could do to help people and not live this inadequate life that I live now. When am I going to overcome the fear?
Daily, I feel that my life is inadequate. That is such a sad thought but daily I sit in an office without windows and dream of a different life. I answer the few phone calls that ring on my phone and feel more and more tired each day that I turn my back on my dream.
What keeps me rooted where I am? Security and the fear of not succeeding in my dreams hold me in this place of boredom and selfishness.
I have had this pressing feeling for so many years that I need to do something more for people. I always try to help the people that I see that are homeless…I used to buy the crazy guy that rode between Napa and San Francisco meals and gave money out when I have it and sort cans for the food bank. But those few things are not enough. I have so many things to offer.
I think about buying fleece that I could make blankets. Winter is so cold here in Utah and there has been an increase in the people that come through the shelters. There is not enough beds for everyone and once it is full they sleep in stair wells or in their cars. Fleece is so cheap and all you would have to do is cut them into rectangles. It would be so easy and could save people lives.
I think about getting the leftover bagels from Einstein’s that they happily donate at the end of the day but if there is not someone to donate the extras to they are thrown in the trash. I know this because I worked there. Most of the time the donations go to PTA’s or some silly little event that the people that attend it enjoy but can go home to their full pantries and did not really need those extra calories. It would be something that would just take some ones time. There is no excuse for not being able to do this!
I went to this church recently in Denver that has transformed itself from this cold unfriendly church to one that is overflowing with members that have a true passion for loving people. Is that not what Jesus wanted us to do with our lives? They run the church services at the prison; they work with Rebuilding Together to help improve low income, elderly and disabled people’s homes. The church has become a outward focused congregation and have changed their own lives in the process. It is inspiring!
There are so many things that I could do to help people and not live this inadequate life that I live now. When am I going to overcome the fear?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Money...
I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso
This is my dream every day. How amazing would it be to be able to not have to worry about money and live your life simply? I think that too frequently when we start to have money though, we feel that we need bigger and better things. It is a constant battle to think that you do not need anything when it is so easily obtained. I frequently wish that we would be able to raise our future children and not have to worry about affording groceries, food and house payments but never have them think that we are worry free when it comes to money.
I remember when we were growing up; we did not have many toys. The toys that we did have were presents from birthdays or Christmas not a daily occurrence. I remember being so poor that my parents worried about paying their bills. Once my mom lost our $70.00 in the grocery store, she looked all over and could not find it. It was the money that we had for food and without it we would not be able to buy food. The manager that was working at that store gave my mom her groceries. As our life went on, we were fortunate enough to have parents who were able to make more and be less worried about buying groceries and paying their bills.
The little amount of money that we had enriched our lives, we were so creative, active, and happy with what we had. I never thought that we were really missing out on things when I did not get the toy that I may have wanted. When I see the way that people are raised today it makes me mad. These teenagers that walk around without any respect for anyone or anything, have such entitlement issues. They expect teachers to bend over backwards for them to help them pass their classes. They bring in a quarters worth of assignments at the end of the year and expect it to be accepted so they can graduate. And the worst part is that they get away with it. No Child Left Behind only furthers this mentality. It teaches people that people will make accommodations for them so that the school district will not look bad. It teaches them that even if they have not learned what they need to have learned they will pass a class. Kids in stores make me sick and parents make me sick. I see parents who are so lazy that they ignore what their children are doing. They allow the children to run around going into people’s bedrooms, scream through the halls and break valuable things. If the parents don’t completely ignore the children or leave the room, then they say in their very nicest voice “gentle, gentle”. Umm…no, it should be “Do Not Touch that is not yours!” I am baffled frequently by them. My greatest fear is that I will be a parent who is like that. They teach these children at a young age that they are in control and that their parents are wet fish that they can push around and get whatever they want. We are raising a generation of children that have no compassion for others and are so self absorbed that they do not care if people are in need.
If I had no worries when it comes to money, I would volunteer at schools to teach art and art history. I would work on developing my company, I would take time to help people and focus on others rather than myself. I would spend time with the people that are important to me. Oh yeah and I would travel the world. I do not ask for much, do I?
This is my dream every day. How amazing would it be to be able to not have to worry about money and live your life simply? I think that too frequently when we start to have money though, we feel that we need bigger and better things. It is a constant battle to think that you do not need anything when it is so easily obtained. I frequently wish that we would be able to raise our future children and not have to worry about affording groceries, food and house payments but never have them think that we are worry free when it comes to money.
I remember when we were growing up; we did not have many toys. The toys that we did have were presents from birthdays or Christmas not a daily occurrence. I remember being so poor that my parents worried about paying their bills. Once my mom lost our $70.00 in the grocery store, she looked all over and could not find it. It was the money that we had for food and without it we would not be able to buy food. The manager that was working at that store gave my mom her groceries. As our life went on, we were fortunate enough to have parents who were able to make more and be less worried about buying groceries and paying their bills.
The little amount of money that we had enriched our lives, we were so creative, active, and happy with what we had. I never thought that we were really missing out on things when I did not get the toy that I may have wanted. When I see the way that people are raised today it makes me mad. These teenagers that walk around without any respect for anyone or anything, have such entitlement issues. They expect teachers to bend over backwards for them to help them pass their classes. They bring in a quarters worth of assignments at the end of the year and expect it to be accepted so they can graduate. And the worst part is that they get away with it. No Child Left Behind only furthers this mentality. It teaches people that people will make accommodations for them so that the school district will not look bad. It teaches them that even if they have not learned what they need to have learned they will pass a class. Kids in stores make me sick and parents make me sick. I see parents who are so lazy that they ignore what their children are doing. They allow the children to run around going into people’s bedrooms, scream through the halls and break valuable things. If the parents don’t completely ignore the children or leave the room, then they say in their very nicest voice “gentle, gentle”. Umm…no, it should be “Do Not Touch that is not yours!” I am baffled frequently by them. My greatest fear is that I will be a parent who is like that. They teach these children at a young age that they are in control and that their parents are wet fish that they can push around and get whatever they want. We are raising a generation of children that have no compassion for others and are so self absorbed that they do not care if people are in need.
If I had no worries when it comes to money, I would volunteer at schools to teach art and art history. I would work on developing my company, I would take time to help people and focus on others rather than myself. I would spend time with the people that are important to me. Oh yeah and I would travel the world. I do not ask for much, do I?
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